A Flickering Candle In A Short Lifetime
by Gildra Evestar
Summary: They may have rebuilt her, but she is only human. A woman so surrounded by death can only take so much. Doubt, guilt, and depression creep their way into her mind. They cloud her sense of self and her resolve. She could stop it all if she wanted, if they'd let her. Takes place at some point vaguely in ME2. Eventually ThaneXFem!Shep because of reasons.
1. Chapter 1

AN: the idea for this fic came to me while playing ME2 and, after writing it almost a year ago I finally decided to publish it. The title of the fic and of the chapters come from Hidden Away by Josh Groban. Mostly just decided to focus on the fact that I figured Shepard would have a lot of baggage she was carrying around. Hope you enjoy.

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**Chapter 1 - If No One Sees You Then Nobody Knows**

Sweat beaded across her temple, glided over her nose, and dripped from her chin onto the scorching hot sandy earth below. Her eyes closed as she turned her face to the sky to center herself. For a moment she only breathed. A slow, purposefully, breath in enjoying the brief silence that had settled around them. A shot whizzed over her head, forcing her to return to the present, with a quick sharp exhale. Popping over the crate she lined up her pistol and squeezed off three quick shots, watching the mercenary crumple to the ground. More poured out of the door, fumbling over each other to find cover before they were taken out by the precise attackers. Thane on her left, Kisume to her right, picking off a few each before the remainder had ducked behind the scattered cover.

Motioning with her hand she directed the pair to a better vantage point before vaulting over her own cover and sprinting forward, sliding like a baseball player to home plate behind another set of strategically placed crates. The pattern continued with increasing speed and perhaps even a hint of frustration as they progressed towards the entrance. Finding, at last, a moment of reprieve inside the significantly cooler bunker. Out of the corner of her grey eyes she was certain that she caught the Drell staring at her as she pressed her back against the cool metal wall and caught her breath. The redhead did not acknowledge him, not at this point, there was still more to do. Wasn't that always the case though? There was always another goal, another line to hold, another mission, another visit to make, another problem to take care of. Always other people's problems. There were no time for her own, not that she had any, or so she kept telling herself and anyone who asked. No one ever asked.

Pushing off the wall she cut the break short moving with purpose to the next sealed door. Pulling off the panel she quickly rearranged wires to override the locking mechanism instead of accidently engaging the security protocols as occasionally still happened. It wasn't her fault, she had never claimed to be good at technology, but since being raised from the dead like some sort of great prophet she found that there were a few things tweaked. For better or worse she was both the same person and someone very different. Shaking her head she pushed away the thoughts that had been plaguing her for months now.

_Was she still Anika Shepard?_

_ Was she the same person?_

_ Was she even human anymore? _

Her lips pursed tightly as the lock clinked and the door slid open. The shooting began almost immediately, but was over rather quickly. Apparently most had been sent outside to stem the flow of the 'invaders' before they reached the main doors leaving very few behind in the main portion of the bunker. Stepping over the bodies she downloaded the files they had come for, "check the creates for anything useful," she mumbled to her squad as she concentrated on her task. Once she had completed the simplistic task she turned to watch the lithe Drell and equally graceful human maneuvered around the room sorting useful junk from the plain old junk. Soon enough they were ready to move out, the commander simply trusting their judgment.

The ride back to the Normandy was quiet, which wasn't that out of the ordinary for those she had chosen to bring along this time, but was a change of pace from the normally chatty commander. She had found herself dwelling in the silence more and more lately. She chose Thane and Kisume not simple because she trusted them and their skills, but more because she knew that there would be no reason to fake the smiles and jokes. Instead she could enjoy the silence without being questioned. This time though she could feel his eyes upon her. It wasn't uncommon for him to watch her, yet today it felt different. As though he wasn't simply watching her but really seeing her. It made her uncomfortable, as though he would see beyond the cold tough exterior to her increasingly troubled soul. Shifting her gaze upward she caught his gaze for a moment and offered a half smirk. _See, everything was okay._ Yet, as always, the stoic man's expression remained nearly impossible to read. The grin faltered as she realized that it did not have the effect that she needed it too.

Reaching the Normandy she stood ready at the door of the shuttle, preparing herself to face the crew once more. Closing her eyes she shook her arms and got back into the familiar headspace that she had learned to force more and more lately. Force the smile. Force the jokes. Pretend nothing was wrong. Pretend that she was the same Shepard she had been just over two years ago, before she had been spaced. The shuttle door slid open and her eyes snapped open as the uncomfortably false smile stretched her features. Sometimes she wondered if anyone noticed the difference.

"I take it went well," the Turian's mandibles flared in what she had come to know as a smirk, she offered a small shrug.

"As well as could be expected. You know how things go. We got a decent haul though, and also what we came for, suppose that's all that was can ask for while being errand boys," she forced a small light chuckle from her lips, and Garrus reciprocated. "Hot as Hell down there," in hindsight Garrus would have probably enjoyed the heat, but he would have also expected more bantering than she had in her. "I'm going to go wash the sand out of my...well out of my everything I suppose," she felt gritty, and a cool shower was needed. Nothing else was said a she moved passed Garrus, the smile staying on her face until the doors to the shuttle bay closed behind her at which point she let it fall quickly and unceremoniously from her features.

An empty elevator ride up to her room was a great relief. There would be no one to fake it too when she got to the top. It was perhaps unfortunate how much of a relief that really was. She cared about her crew, maybe cared too much. Even Miranda, who on a personal level Anika butted heads with. Still, she went out of her way to make conversation with the woman, and gain her trust. For the most part she was certain that she had gained the respect if nothing else of everyone currently under her command. Hell, she would probably say that many of them cared for her in return.

There were lines still though, even with this rather dysfunctional Hodge-Podge group. A certain distance was required between her and everyone else, she was their commander. To show weakness would be to open the opportunity to question her orders. A crew without a strong solid head was one that was quick to form cracks and such cracks she could not afford. Not when her task was so important. After all, she had a suicide mission to survive. There was no one else for the job, she was it, take it or leave it.

Entering her rather large quarters she stared at the empty fish tank. When she had first boarded the Normandy SR2 she had been compelled to fill the tank. The empty water had bothered her. For awhile she had actually managed to keep the fish alive before, as always, something came up and she missed feeding them for a few days. She had yet to replace them because she knew that something would always come up and they would always die. A waste of credits better spent elsewhere (on upgrades, or on the models in her display case which wouldn't be harmed by her absence). Surprisingly her hamster was still alive. She suspected it was due to the fact that he had enough brains to hide food away when she did get around to feeding him.

He recognized her now, though she never took him out from the tiny glass cage. When she had first got the little guy she had tried to hold it, to feel the warmth of another living thing once more against her skin. He had bit her, and she had dropped him. It had taken her two hours to dig him out from under her desk. After that tiny fiasco she decided that he was better off in his glass home. A tiny squeak was offered as she walked by his cage on the way to the bathroom.

Stripping down to nothing she stared at herself in the mirror in the rather large personal bathroom. There were new scars, but the old ones were gone. The acid scar that had covered her left side from the Thresher Maw incident on Akuze was nowhere to be found now. Neither the familiar scar that had split her bottom lip in half, one that she had received when she was six and her father had tried to teach her to skate during one of the long Mindoir winters. There were others that had been stolen from her as well, but those two had been the ones she had always found to be most important. Evidence from Cerberus' efforts had snaked around her body for some time before she had scrapped up enough money to upgrade the med bay. Call her what you want but she preferred no scars at all to the Frankenstein scars Cerberus had left on her.

The water was still cold as she stepped into the shower, fiddling with the dial she finally found a temperature that was between freezing and boiling. It wasn't all that satisfying but she was taking a shower to remove the sand not to relax. Her fingers played through her chin length hair. When she was satisfied that all the sand had been removed from her person she exited the shower and changed into her uniform. Glancing at the time as she left the bathroom she noted that it was almost time for dinner. More social interaction, more faking.

Even the smallest interaction felt like a great deal of effort. Her mask was fragile now, and she knew it. The simplest task was only made more difficult by the general feeling of lethargy. Not to mention how, grey (for lack of a better description), everything felt. It was though a dark haze had settled over the woman, and she found herself often preoccupied by thoughts that felt as though they were not her own. Was she really the woman who had died two years ago? Was she someone who just thought she was? Could she do everything that was expected of her? Did she care to? Should she even be alive?

_She was fine._

_She was not fine. _

Sitting at her desk she flipped through her inbox quickly, deleting some spam, and marking some messages as 'unread' so she wouldn't forget to re-read them later and do the requested task within. Ten minutes till people would start filtering in for dinner, fifteen until she would be fashionably late as always. Enough time to clean one of her guns. A menial task that she had always enjoyed. From her early days with the Alliance she had found the maintaining her gun to be a sort of meditation. It was a task that she had so perfected it was almost second nature.

Deft hands moved over the pistol, perhaps one of her favourite pieces. She felt the dark thought approaching long before it crept into her conscious thought. "_If I just do it now"_ she felt herself tense at the uncharacteristic thought that had began to haunt her. The gun suddenly felt very heavy in her hand, as though it's actual weight had never occurred to her before. It wasn't the first time the thought had crossed her mind. The realization that if she just lifted it from the table, pressed the cold metal into the side of her head, and squeezed the trigger, she'd be free. Or would she? Would they just bring her back again? Was a head wound all that more difficult to fix than the effects of being spaced? She felt the gun raise from the desk as she brought the piece closer to her eyes, to inspect it, but also to feel what it felt like to have it this close.

Why did she deserve to live? What made her so damn special? How was she any different than Ashley, or Pressly, any number of the crew that had been lost with the Normandy SR1? Anger flashed through her mind then. She should be dead, but she wasn't, and it was wrong. Unnatural. Corrupt. Broken. She could still remember the way the darkness had consumed her. She remembered waking, disorientated and in some degree of pain.

The lights had been too bright.

Grateful at first, Anika had embraced her new found life with vigor and determination. Not many were given a second chance and she wasn't going to waste it. Yet, she had been dead and the universe had went on without her for two years. Some had been happy to see her raise again from the dead, others had been less than welcoming. While she understood that two years had passed it wasn't as though it had been possible to keep in touch. Some rifts could not be repaired. Still she had pressed on with her mission, accepting that sometimes the 'the enemy of my enemy' really was a friend. Her team had come together member after member until she had a full compliment once more under her command. Then she had started to work them toward the goal, till they would know each other well enough that with or without her they could complete their main objective of stopping the Collectors.

They needed her still. Some needed her to simply keep them from tearing each other apart, some would simply drift away if she was not there to unite them. Many now owed her a personal debt, not the way that she liked to create unity, but it had its purpose. They were all satisfied even as they continued to run errands around the galaxy (which often had little to nothing to do with their main goal). The longer they dragged it out the more Anika felt herself dragged down. She couldn't always name how she felt, but she knew it wasn't right.

_Maybe Cerberus had put her back together wrong? _

_Maybe she was broken?_

_Maybe it was just better if she pulled the trigger now and the galaxy found a new hero?_

"Commander Shepard, it's 18:25" EDI's familiar voice shook the woman to her senses and she dropped the gun on the desk in front of her. Pulling a bottle out from one of the drawers she poured herself a small glass of rye, taking it back in one swift shot, letting the familiar burn become her focus. Her body already anticipating what would come later. Leaving it open on the desk she headed towards the elevator and down to the mess, down to fake it once again.


	2. Chapter 2

an: The title of the fic and of the chapters come from Hidden Away by Josh Groban. I was going to wait a full week before posting another chapter, but since I'm done this chapter, and procrastinating a whole lot of other things. Hope everyone who is reading is enjoying this story so far.

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**Chapter 2 - Held In Silence Day After Day**

She smirked as Garrus finished one of his many stories. Her half eaten plate of food forgotten as she half laughed. The conversation had somehow digressed into past relations that some of the 'officers' had. Some had retired to their cabins for the night with the change of topic away from the civil places that it had been before. Some were more forth coming with their stories than others, but often with a bit of prodding and another glass of whatever it was that was in the bottle that Gardner had pulled out, the stories had kept flowing. Anika stayed for her people, and for the alcohol, social drinking was far more acceptable than what she was use to doing, sneaking it when no one was looking.

"What about you Commander," Zaeed arched a brow at the woman sitting at the far end of the group. Anika shrugged, there were not many stories for her to tell on the matter, and the ones that could be told she didn't want to bring up. She did not want to bring _him_ up. Her gaze fell to her glass which was emptier than she thought it should be.

"Nothing worth noting," she offered hoping that would be the end of the conversation.

"Aww come on Commander," Jack slurred slightly from the other side of the table. "There has to be something, or someone," Anika tensed as she realized that the topic wasn't going away, and that the more she tried to avoid it the more that the eyes trained on her. Glance up she met each of their eyes slowly as she scanned the increasingly shrinking crowed. Jack, Joker, Garrus, Zaeed, Chakwas, and Thane. She couldn't help but notice the tension that had fallen on the half of the group that had served under her command on the SR1 as well.

"It's not all that interesting," she reiterated, but based on the scoffing noise that Jack was making, she wasn't going to get away with it that easily. "We worked together, I'd had a particularly rough day and it was only leading to what was going to be a particularly rough week and we, how did you put it Garrus? Needed to blow off some steam?" she shrugged her shoulders.

"That's a bullshit cop out if I ever heard one," Zaeed mumbled. Anika clenched her jaw for a moment, relaxing only when she had come up with more vague and not so juicy additions to the story.

"I practically had to drag him kicking and screaming, he was all about regulations, so uncertain about every choice he made," he had reminded her of a lost puppy, so in need of guidance and she had been in need of companionship. "He liked to follow regulations, and I did not, at least not always," maybe things hadn't changed all that much, "but it sort of worked out in the end," she turned her gaze down to the glass in front of her. There was nothing left to say on the matter as far as she was concerned. Kaiden and her were so over now that it almost made their brief whatever it had been feel like nothing at all.

"So you blew off steam, beat the crap out of something, and then what?" Jack reached over to grab the bottle of alcohol topping off the commander's glass. She had hoped the conversation wouldn't head in that direction, but it had, and her current levels of intoxication meant that she was already speaking again before she could right herself.

"Well, let's see" the bitterness creeping in her voice more than she intended as she raised her now full glass to her lips and took a long drink. "I died for two years and when we met again he whined about me not calling him," she laughed, a dry angry laugh. Her jaw clenched as she waited for a reaction, one that she didn't get. She had hoped that they would laugh too and the conversation would move on to someone knew.

"Damn, what an asshole," was all that Jack said as she leaned back in her chair the drunk stupor seeming to part enough that she vaguely had comprehended the severity of the commander's words.

"Well, I think that's about it for me," Anika pushed herself away from the table, standing slightly too quick for the amount of alcohol she had so far consumed. Reaching down she carelessly picked up her glass, and drank the swill down quickly. Setting the empty class back down on the table her hands clenched around the back of the chair for a moment. The few more lucid of the bunch continued to stare at her. Thane for one, with the same stare that she had felt on the shuttle earlier that day. Garrus, her trusted friend, although tipsy was apparently more sober than she had thought. Chakwas perhaps questioning the mental state of the Commander right now, at least that was what Anika was reading from the woman's features. Joker was preoccupied with a ice cube in his glass, she could hear it clank against the sides as he pushed it up and down in the liquid with one finger. Pushing away she turned swiftly, waving two fingers of her right hand over her shoulder at the still semi-conscious bunch, "night folks," she tried to sound chipper as she headed to the elevator.

She hated him. Maybe he had been right though, maybe the lines had been there for a reason. Anika had always been the type who knew what she wanted and would do whatever she needed to obtain it. Kaiden had been who she wanted, she had been confident that it wouldn't interfere with her duties, and she was certain that it had not. That didn't stop him from questioning her motives on multiple topics, from saving him instead of Ashley, to the pursuing of the relationship despite time and regulations. After the attack on the Citadel she had hoped that he'd finally see that she could both be a capable commander as well as a woman. Yet, if Horizon had taught her anything, it was that he was not the man she thought he was. That had not made the betrayal hurt any less. "What a bastard, I'd have been happy to see her after two fucking years," she heard Jack continue to rant and slur her words in an increasingly incoherent mess as the door to the elevator began to close.

_She was fine. _

_All she had to do was pull the trigger._

_She wasn't fine. _

She was glad that she had consumed as much alcohol with the crew as she had that night. It meant that her secret stash could go back in the drawer for now. The haze of the alcohol was at the right place now that she was certain that sleep would find her easily tonight. It also meant that she didn't have to go raid the bar in Kasumi's room so soon, which would save the questioning looks she had been getting from the young thief lately when she snuck in to pilfer one (or two) bottles of whatever she could get her hands on. Back in her quarters she was quick to curl up under the covers sleep found her in minutes thanks to the alcohol.

_She was falling or floating, it was always so hard to tell, it definitely felt like she was being pulled downward. Someone was screaming for her, screaming for help. Looking around she could not see anyone in the darkness. They sounded so close, why couldn't she see who it was? The realization hit her that she was, in fact, the source of the pleas. So dark. So cold. So alone. _

Morning came far too quickly, and the accompanying headache was only adding to unpleasantly early hour at which EDI had woke her up. Getting dressed quickly she added sunglasses to her normal combat attire. It was a classy but practical addition to her wardrobe. Another day, another task to complete. Today they were off to destroy a base that the Geth had recently taken over. Things going boom, simple, easy, uncomplicated. Tucking her pistol into place she noted that it continued to feel heavy in her grasp.

Heading down to the shuttle bay she gave a small nod to Garrus and Tali waiting for her, geared up and ready to go. Tali was the obvious choice against the Geth, Garrus had requested being included, and after ignoring the request for the last few jobs she had to concede that she could not ignore them any longer. It was all part of the facade of being okay, of being normal.

It was a typical mission, land, run to cover, shoot some Geth, move to the next room, and so the pattern continued. Another room, another round of Geth to deal with. A few rounds and her shields fell. Maybe she should just let a few more hit her. It would be a more valiant and acceptable death to a bullet to her brain in her quarters or - for that matter- being spaced. It would be one that the crew could forgive, one that would be tragic, but would rally the troops.

Vaulting over one of the crates she began to charge toward the large synthetic life form. A surge of adrenaline propelling her forward. She had no biotics, and was glad that it hadn't been an improvement that Cerberus had simply implemented against her will. At the moment, however, it would have been an asset to propelling herself towards the enemy line without shields. Her squad reacted and she frowned slightly as Geth were picked off on either side of her before they could get a clean shot. Pulling out her pistol she fired as she ran towards a Geth Prime. It fell as it fired a final rocket blast, the trajectory knocked off of course missing her by a good foot, but she still felt the heat, and it felt good. "Set the charges and we can get out of here," she shouted, not daring to look behind her as she downloaded research files from the computer in the corner.

"We're ready when you are Shepard," Tali's melodic voice sounded in her ear. Closing the link the woman rested her hand on her hip, allowing the other one to dangle loosely at her side, as she turned to face her squad mates. Garrus looked decidedly unhappy. Anika's brow furrowed.

"Then let's move out," she did the best to make the statement come off as casual and not agitated. She hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, it was the first time in awhile that she could say she felt alive. The rush that she had felt heading toward her imminent demise was one that couldn't wait to duplicate again. The ride back in the shuttle was unusually quiet for one that involved the Turian, he was sitting rigidly avoiding her eye contact.

Unpacking herself from the shuttle she rolled her shoulders back, feeling that perhaps the experience was what she needed to deal with the dark cloud that had taken its hold on her lately. Her guard was uncharacteristically down when she felt a strong arm grab her from shoulder and spin her around. "What the hell was that," and angry Turian was bearing down on her.

"What?" confused as to what he was talking about, she shrugged herself free from his grasp.

"Down there, what the hell were you thinking!" his voice rose in volume, anger clear in his voice, but there was something else as well. Fear? Perhaps, but that seemed so unlike him.

"I was doing my job, and it was taking too long," she pulled her arm across her chest, stretching out the muscles.

"Taking too long!? We could barely keep up the suppressing fire," his mandibles twitched in irritation. Tali shifted her weight, arms crossed over her chest.

"It was reckless, even for you Shepard," the Quarian spoke up finally. The Commander's brow furrowed, her gaze shifting between the pair. Her mind was racing through all the things she should say, and many things that she should just let slip from her mind.

"It's not like you to question my judgment," was all that she could manage and still sound civil, though she was feeling defensive. She hadn't been in any real danger, and besides, the danger had been what made it feel so damn exciting.

"Shepard-" Garrus began with a heavy sigh, his shoulders raising and falling. "That's not what I meant," She held her hand up, gesturing him to stop that thought before it continued.

"I'm turning in, and I don't think I'll be down for dinner tonight," she turned on her heels and headed toward the door. Heading back up to the crew deck she stopped in the kitchen area just long enough to pick up a couple individual bags of military rations. It wouldn't taste that great, but it meant that she wouldn't have to return down there during the dinner hour. Hopefully Gardner wouldn't be too terribly insulted by her not eating his food today.

Her entire body felt tense as she headed toward the elevator once more. Turning the corner to the elevator she caught movement out of the corner of her eye. Her head snapped up see the familiar lithe frame of the Drell leaning against the wall. His dark eyes following her movements, "you need something Thane?" the words left her mouth before she could stop them. Normally she liked talking to her crew, in fact she had built up strong relationships by talking to them and helping them out with various problems, but she wasn't sure how much she had left in her. She had, at some point, prioritized their own needs above her own. If they were happy, capable, sane, and loyal, what did it matter what she felt, needed, wanted?

"Not joining us tonight, Siha?" his head tilted to the side ever so slightly in a questioning manner. She glanced down at the nutritionally valid but rather unsatisfactory meal as she pondered both his inquiry and the use of the word that she still did not understand.

"I have a lot of work to do," lies, she didn't really have that much to do. She would do the same thing that she had done every evening. Check her messages, drink, clean her gun. He hadn't moved from his place, with his hands folded comfortably in front of him. Tucking her hair behind her ears she turned to call the elevator.

"I will miss your presence at dinner," he gave her a nod. Why? It wasn't as though he was a very vocal member of the table at dinner.

"I should be going," she cut the conversation short, as the elevator opened for her. Backing in she averted her eyes from him once more, feeling as though he could look right through her and see all that she was trying to hide if she made eye contact too long. It was stupid, she knew it couldn't be true, but that didn't make her feel any better.

"Shepard," he moved swiftly placing a hand over the sensor preventing the door from closing just yet. "Thank you again, for your help with Kolyat," she shook her head, trying to brush him off, it wasn't a big deal, she would do the same for any of her crew (and in most cases she had). Would they do the same for her? "If you want or need someone to return the favour, my door is always open," he released his grip pushing away and letting the door close before she could say that she was fine.

It frustrated her, hearing the offer that he had made. Not because she thought it was misplaced, but rather for the wholly irrational reason that there were people here that cared for her as much as she cared for them. Sure, she knew it on some level, expected it even, but to hear it from a man that she had only known for a few months, it bothered her. She wasn't worthy of the loyalty that she demanded, what had she done? Helped a few members resolve family issues? Help others take revenge? Did they really know her at all? How could they when she was too stubborn and afraid to let them in?

How could she even start when she wasn't even sure she was human any more. People didn't just come back from the dead. It didn't feel right, or natural, or even possible. She had lost so much only to get hung out to dry by the very people she had been trying to protect the most. She had gained some trust back, but after today she was certain that she lost it all again.

Back in her quarters she tossed her meal onto the desk, before turning to wiggle a finger at the tiny hamster who was peeking out at her from beneath his bedding material. "You look so comfortable under there," her finger pressed against the glass causing the rodent to wiggle it's nose toward her. Letting out a sigh she left the tiny rodent alone and moved to the bathroom starting her evening ritual of stripping, showering, and returning to her uniform before sitting down at her terminal and attempting to go through her new messages.

Pouring herself a glass of the purple alcohol that she had taken out of the bar in Kasumi's room she ate her meal in relative silence. It wasn't all that tasty, and it was certainly a far cry from what she would have expected from Gardner's meal.

A few hours later and she had moved her solo party from her desk to her couch, having given up at sorting through any of her mail. Words had started to blend together and she couldn't tell which ones were thanks and which ones were asking for something anymore . The bottle becoming rather empty rather quickly. "Commander Shepard," EDI's light flickered in her terminal by the door. She didn't respond at first as she attempted to figure out if there was something she was suppose to be doing that she had forgot about. Had she made arrangements for a meeting and simply forgot. "Garrus Vakarian wishes access to your cabin," her body tensed.

"Let him in," she leaned back on the couch, resting her arm on the back of it, casually holding the half full glass in her hand, resting it against her leg which was propped up and half crossed over her other one. The doors to her quarters slid open and the Turian hesitated. "Down here," she stuck up her hand so that he could see it through the display case, just to make sure she waved it slightly. "To what do I owe the honour of the visit?" her eyes closed and she let her head flop back against the back of the sofa.

"Shepard, I" he played with his hands, avoiding looking at her. Her head rose and the room spun slightly, "I didn't mean to question you today," she shrugged. All these people caring about her, and she couldn't or wouldn't let them in. It made no sense and she wasn't above realizing the contradiction in her own line of thoughts. Was she the same Shepard that he had known back when they had taken down Saren? All she could keep telling herself was that she shouldn't be alive. Maybe she should be a little more grateful than she was. What the hell was wrong with her? "Are you drunk?" His next words had caught her off guard, maybe because she had yet to properly acknowledge his apology.

"Not yet," she took another sip of her beverage of choice. "Look," she began slowly, "I should have given you a heads up before I moved, that was my mistake," she had to be more careful, that was all. He concentrated his gaze on her, his face tight and unyielding. She couldn't read it, but she knew that she didn't like it. "Care to join me?" she gestured to the other empty spots on the couch.

He shook his head, "no, I have some calibrations to work on. I just wanted to-" his head titled, and she didn't miss the way he glanced between her and the bottle on the table, "-clear the air," he crossed his arms giving her one more glance over.

"Consider it cleared," her voice quiet. He turned to leave, and she was certain she could hear him mumbling under his breath something about it being less clear than she thought.


	3. Chapter 3

an: The title of the fic and of the chapters come from Hidden Away by Josh Groban. Thank you for the review. I hope everyone continues to enjoy the story.

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**Chapter 3 - Words Of Kindness That Our Poor Hearts Crave**

As the weeks passed Shepard found herself being pulled further into the darkness. She knew she was becoming more and more reckless, if nothing else it was evident by the increasing time she was spending in the Medbay. She continued to brush it off as just part of the job, but the more times she found herself there, the less the good doctor was buying it. The Commander also had been seeing more of Kasumi lately as well, since it gave her the excuse needed to have a drink from the bar or smuggle one or two bottles back to her room. Every time she took a drink she hoped that this would be the time that she forgot, but it only seemed to increase the tightness in her throat and all the negative thoughts. Still, it made her, on some level feel better. Though she knew somewhere inside it was wrong, Anika had come to believe she _needed_ the drink.

All the people she couldn't save. All the lives now that were in her hands. The thoughts about what was under her skin. There were mornings when she could barely force herself out of bed, not simply because of the hangovers, which were becoming more tolerable if only because they were expected. It was more than that, she was certain if given the option she could stay in bed all day. Part of her believed that if she just stayed there maybe someone else would save the galaxy. It had functioned for two years without her, why did they need her now?

Something had to be wrong with her. There was no way this was normal. The heaviness that rested in her chest and her mind almost daily. Hands resting on either side of the sink she stared at the face in the mirror. She hated the woman who stared back at her. The stranger who looked so normal, so okay. Clenching her right hand into a tight fist the redhead pulled it back before she slammed it into the mirror with a loud grunt.

It cracked.

An appealing victory on some level, now the reflection was as broken as she was. Her jaw clenched tightly, teeth mashing together, she hit the mirror again harder this time, and she continued to swing until the mirror was in pieces. Seven years bad luck, she thought, smirking at the silly superstition. Her hand hurt and was wet. The realization caused her to look down at her blood on her hand. For a moment she considered the blood running over her flesh. The way the warm red liquid felt on her skin. Her ssecond thought was that perhaps she could cut out the parts that Cerberus had put in. Maybe then she'd feel like herself again?

"Commander, I have notified Dr. Chakwas that you are in need of medical attention," EDI's voice carried into the bathroom causing Anika to curse under her breath. Leaving the bathroom she held her wounded hand close to her chest. Moments later the door slid open and the grey haired doctor was soon at her side.

"This is a new one Commander," the doctor took the other woman's hand in her own and began to look it over. Anika took in a sharp intake of breath and the doctor began to pull fine pieces of broken mirror from her hand. "Didn't like what you saw?" the doctor's brow quirked slightly.

"I-" she began, but then quickly snapped her mouth shut and clenched her jaw as antiseptic were applied. "Something like that," she finished through clenched teeth, having time to change the thought before saying something that she might regret.

"How are you holding up?" it felt as though the treatment was being dragged out so that small talk could be made.

"Fine," simple, to the point, and always such a loaded word.

"I see," the older woman's lips pursed into a thin line as she began to apply the medi-gel.

"Is it possible, when they put me back together, that they did it wrong?" hesitation evident in her voice, fear that Chakwas would think that she was crazy.

"I don't think so. It is, however, possible that you're just human," the woman looked up from her work to attempt to make eye contact with the redhead, yet Shepard was looking past Chakwas to the empty fish tank. Just human? Was she though? Humans didn't rise from the dead too often, at least not outside of horror vids and old religions. "Commander, I can see something is bothering you, and I'm not the only one," this was far more forceful and direct than Anika had expected.

"Don't worry, and tell anyone else not to either, I'm fine," the words sounding even less true the second time she said them.

"Ah yes, _fine_," the doctor scoffed, seeming to mock her a bit. Anika didn't say anything further, as anything beyond what had already been said would only be reason for Chakwas to further interrogate her. A silence fell between them until the doctor was finished her task, "look, Commander, I'm telling you this as your doctor and as your friend. You do not have to talk to me, but you damn well better find someone, and soon. Chambers is on the ship for a reason, but I know there are others who are not Cerberus who would gladly lend you their ear," the commander's body tensed, she couldn't tell anyone, no one would understand or they would just think that she was crazy. "Oh, and try not to punch any more mirrors today," her gaze rose for a moment to Shepard's face, "and maybe try to get some sleep before you head out again," the redhead nodded silently as Chakwas turned and left the commander in the silence of her quarters once more.

Letting out a heavy sigh, she meandered over to the bed and flopped down on her back. Staring out the window on the ceiling her mind ran through what they had in store today. Some research facility hadn't reported in to Cerberus in a few weeks and the higher ups were getting rather anxious. Thane and Samara would be accompanying her.

_It was so cold and dark. She could feel herself floating. Her eyes scanned the horizon for any sort of steady point, but there was none to be found. Where was she? When she finally figured it out she panicked. She was in space, again, the Normandy was burning, and she couldn't breathe. She began to flail her arms, gasping for air. Being pulled down towards something unseen all she could do was wait for the darkness to find her again. _

She woke just before she hit the floor. "Sonofabitch," she mumbled as her arms came up to break her fall. How old was she? Still falling out of bed like a child. Pushing herself off the floor feeling the tension in her shoulder muscles from how she had been sleeping.

"Commander, ETA fifteen minutes," her brow furrowed as she heard Joker's voice before she registered fully what was going on.

"Thanks Joker," she ran her fingers through her hair. How long could she keep doing this? How long could she fight the obvious? She was so tired of being everyone's champion, and the charade that she had kept up for so long had clearly been showing signs of cracking. Garrus had seen it. Chakwas had too. How many others?

Holding her forehead in her hands she let out a shaky breath. Hold it together just a little longer. Long enough to make it to the Collectors ship, long enough to make sure they all made it back safe. Whether she did or not did not matter to her. Suiting up she prepared for the task at hand. The elevator ride was silent for the first half of the ride until it stopped at the crew deck and Thane stepped on board. He bowed his head, his dark eyes shifted down to the bandaged hand. His lips parted as though to ask a question but he closed it quickly and faced straight ahead.

"Got into a fight with my reflection," she attempted to break the ice. He turned his body so that his back rested against the wall of the elevator and he could have a better look at her. "I think I won," again, a forced little smirk played on her lips.

"I see," his gravelly voice carried in the small space, "I am glad you were not seriously injured," he stood up straight once more as the elevator came to its final destination. Samara was waiting and they boarded the shuttle.

Room after room they worked through. Listening to the recordings of the staff that had worked there. Fighting off the facility who had turned against them. The AI had went rogue and the mechs had been easily turned against the research team and, consequently, the new intruders. Shepard's team handled themselves well, as would be expected. Though she couldn't help but notice how close the pair was staying to her. It made her new favourite tactic of running head long into the danger nearly impossible. That was, until she had an opportunity to order them to divide and conquer. Ordering the pair around either side she took point, waiting in almost open as two Heavy Mechs marched into the room.

For awhile she tried her old tactic of staying behind cover, taking shots when the opportunity struck. After several moments she could feel the itching, the need to feel the heat again. Vaulting over the crate she rushed the Mech, firing her pistol as she ran forward ignoring the ping of enemy fire against her shields. Her shields fell, and she felt the first impact in her left shoulder. Yet she was compelled forward, daring them to hurt her again. "Shepard!" the corner of eye caught the serious expression of the Justicar and so she slipped behind the first crate that she could find. Thane's dark eyes fell on her when she finally looked up to see where she was in the room.

Taking a few deep breaths she sat with his eyes trained on her. Swapping her choice of weapons she held the new gun in her hand for a moment before pushing up and spinning to face the incoming rocket fired from one of the Heavy Mechs. _This would be it_, she thought seeing the smoke of the impending rocket, this would be her end, _no coming back this time_.

Slender but firm arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her down. She found herself pressed into the body of the Assassin as the heat of the rocket passed over them. He had moved his hand to cradle her neck, providing support for one of the many vulnerable parts of human anatomy.

She could feel him breathing, his grip firm, as he pushed her away from him and so that her back was pressed into crate. Pressing his knee into her abdomen he kept her in place as he rose above the crate firing his pistol five times. Shepard felt her anger rise as he held her in position. His features tense and serious as the sounds of the battle faded to nothing. Anika could not take her eyes off his features, the determination and coldness in his face when he was pulling the trigger. The softness and concern when his gaze turned back down to her. Her anger wavered and was replaced with an unexplained unease. "You have been injured Siha," he moved quickly to apply the medi-gel.

"It's nothing, just a scratch," she tried to brush him off, but his resolve was firm. She wanted to chastise him for saving her, for so forcefully keeping her in safety, but her resolve dissolved as Samara's shadow passed over the pair. "Let's finish this and get out of here," he helped her stand. The terminal at the end of the final room told of the struggle of the last survivors. They had barricaded themselves inside and were hoping that someone would come for them soon. As she worked on the door she could feel the sinking feeling in her chest, it had been weeks since they had locked themselves away, there was no way there would be anything but death behind those walls. The stench from the room only confirmed that as the door slid open.

Burying her face into the crook of her elbow she gagged at the putrid smell. Stepping over the threshold she was surprised to feel the presence of the assassin behind her. She had to go in, he did not. In fact, she would have understood the desire to avoid the unpleasantness within. "Damn it," she swallowed hard repressing the strong urge to lose her lunch. The realization that had she not put off this task for a few days while she dealt with other things perhaps some of them would still be alive weighed heavily upon her mind. She had failed them.

"We should return, there is nothing we can do for the dead. Send a call for someone to pick up the bodies," the rational voice of the Justicar rising from just outside the threshold of the door. Anika stood in the center of the room, glancing from corpse to corpse unable to tell some of the time where one ended and the other began.

"They shouldn't be dead," her fist clenched, another repercussion of the choices she made. The small choice to deal with 'a' rather than 'b' and the next thing she knew there was more blood on her hands. She was no one's hero, why couldn't they see that? She wasn't even sure if she could save herself let alone everyone else. Anika couldn't help but think that she was not worth of the second chance that had been given to her.

"We did everything we could," the solemn melodic voice of Thane urged.

"Did we? Did I? I received a request to investigate this five days ago," anger and frustrating raising in her voice," 'We'll check it out after we deal with this other thing' I said. They," she pointed to the corpses, "paid for that decision," her fist clenched tightly. "How am I suppose to stop the Collectors if I can't keep a god damn science team alive!" her jaw clenched and she ground her teeth together. She was angry about not being there sooner, of not doing more, and at the part of herself which knew this anger was completely irrational.

He watched her, "you can't save everyone," his voice low.

"That's the point isn't it? I can't save everyone, but everyone expects me to try anyways. People die all the time," her voice rising in volume as she swung her arms up into the air in a motion of defeat. "They had families, they were probably working on something important. No one is rushing to bring them back are they!" the words left her mouth before she could stop them. She reached up and ran her fingers over her temple.

The slender arm of the Drell reached out for her but she pulled away. "Let's get the hell out of here," she closed her eyes as she moved passed the man, "I'm so tired," her voice barely more than a whisper as she felt the energy drain from her.

"I know," he fell into stride beside her as they made their way to the rendezvous point.

Back in her cabin she chucked her boots across the room with a rough shout. Tearing her armour away she ignored the pain in her shoulder and hand from the freshest wounds on her body. Their mutual throbbing making it difficult to ignore the extent of the damage. Unpacking herself from the external Cerberus armour she was left only in a pair of shorts and a tank top. Her knees gave way and she crumbled to the floor. The sorrow that she felt in the very core of her being overtook her and she began to cry.


	4. Chapter 4

an: The title of the fic and of the chapters come from Hidden Away by Josh Groban. Reviews are encouraged ^_^. I do apologize for any out of character speech or actions in this chapter.

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**Chapter 4 - How Bright You Shine**

As the weeks passed it did not go unnoticed by the crew the change in their leaders behaviour. Her reckless was mounting with each time she left the Normandy, and her visits to them became more and more infrequent. The normally social woman had all but holed herself up in her quarters when she was not out shooting things down. The only person she seemed to visit regularly anymore was Kasumi and, considering she never left there empty handed, many were not sure if it was a good thing or not.

To say that many of them were worried about the traditionally strong leader was an understatement. While none could say they were walking on eggshells around the commander they were certainly hyper-vigilant. When it first started they couldn't say for sure. Those going on missions with her remarked of the silence that often proceeded and followed the job, the silence that had come to be deafening on the com between orders. No more jokes spoken between them, and when they did pass her lips they held a bitter bite that did not sit well.

They watched her take more and more risks, questioning her motives but quickly coming to the collective agreement simply to watch over her a little more carefully. Many had tried to reach out to her but found resistance at every turn. Those closest to her gathered in various locations, sometimes the med bay, sometimes one of their quarters, sometimes simply in the mess hall when everyone else had tucked in for the night or was at their station.

Joker carefully manoeuvred over to the available chair as Dr. Chakwas cleaned up and waited for the others to join them yet again. Garrus slumped against the wall looking as tired as ever. Samara sat cross legged on one of the beds attempting to meditate for awhile while Jack and Zaeed bantered with each other in the far corner. Tali and Kasumi entered next, their chatter falling silent as they hopped up side by side on one of the beds. Thane was the last to enter, his hands clasped behind his back. There would be no one else joining them at this time. Grunt had never been included, partially because no one thought it would be a good idea to include a juvenile and temperamental Krogan. Miranda and Jacob and the rest of the Cerberus crew were also not invited. None of them trusted the human group, and none of them wanted to give Shepard any reason to not trust them. Mordin came occasionally when he could pry himself away from his work long enough, tonight was not one of those nights.

"How was she today?" Chakwas began, having not seen Shepard after the mission as she usually did.

"About the same. Thane pulled her out of the line of fire," Samara's voice cold and distant even as her eyes opened to survey the group. It never occurred to any of them what an odd assortment of individuals they were, how they really ought to not have anything in common at all, but Shepard gave them unity. Each could have continued on with their own lives without ever crossing paths but since each joined the Normandy's crew, and her mission, they found a sense of camaraderie that many had learned to live without. The emotional state of their leader would have been enough for many to cut and run usually, but for some reason Shepard, the Normandy, their mission, (and perhaps to an extent, each other), kept them around.

"Was she injured?" Chakwas inquired, keeping her head cool as always.

"Not by the rocket," Thane assured, "shot in the left shoulder, I applied medi-gel, I expected her to visit you once we returned, I'm guessing by the question that did not occur," he was bothered by this, had he known he would have escorted her directly to the med bay after returning to the Normandy.

"This has to stop," Garrus pushed himself off the wall, "this isn't the Shepard I worked with before, hell this isn't the same woman who shot her way through Omega to haul my ass off on this crazy mission," he smirked at the fond memory.

"What do you propose, it's not like she'll talk to any of us," Tali threw her hands up in the air before letting them fall to her side.

"She might if you take what's left of the bar's inventory up to her," Kisume folded her arms over her chest.

"I am probably the last person who should be saying this," Zaeed began, "but I think another drink is the last thing she needs," there was a silence in the group once again.

"She might talk to him," Samara nodded in Thane's direction.

"I have tried," he returned the Asari's gaze, "she did not welcome my offer any more than any of yours."

"Are you sure?" Joker finally piped up, "I mean she takes you practically everywhere lately. There has to be something to it," he shrugged.

"The better question is, would you be willing and able to bear the burden of being her confidant?" the grey haired human doctor took a step towards him.

"I would never turn my back on her," Thane's tone was serious.

"Shots have been fired in the Commander's quarters," EDI's terminal illuminated. The group tensed, ready to spring into action although few seemed to know exactly what kind of action should be taken. Several had headed for the door before the doctor held up her hand.

"Is Shepard injured," the cool professional tone of the medical expert piped up.

"The commander is unharmed, though the structural integrity of the fish tank will not last much longer," the AI responded.

"I think it's time to test our theory," with a solemn look at Thane Chakwas handed him a field kit and some medi-gel, "just in case" he nodded once tucking the kit under his arm as the way to the door, and ultimately the elevator, was cleared for him. "EDI, over ride the door to the commander's quarters on the authority of the chief medical officer."

"Understood."

He could hear her screaming as soon as he exited the elevator, anger and pain from some source not physical mixed in her voice. She sounded desperate, he closed his eyes for a second before approaching the door. The cool metal parted revealing Shepard's quarters. The first thing he noted was the fish tank appeared to still be in one piece. The second thing made his heart drop, panic welled deep within him. The medical kit hit the floor forgotten as he lunged forward into action.


	5. Chapter 5

an: The title of the fic and of the chapters come from Hidden Away by Josh Groban. Thank you for the follows! If you have the time please review.

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**Chapter 5 - Holding Out For Something I Believe In**

When the tears had stopped falling she had laid curled up in the foetal position for awhile longer. Worthless. Pathetic. A Coward. All accurate words, in her mind, to describe what she had become. She was not a good leader, she would fail them as she had failed Ashley and those who had died when the first Normandy was torn apart by the Collectors. They would abandon her like those before her. She should be dead. They should not have brought her back.

The reflection of water from the giant wall tank danced on the wall. Forcing herself up enough that she could reach the bottle of whiskey on the table she popped the cap and brought the bottle to her lips. She couldn't be bothered to get a glass, what was the point? Death followed her everywhere. Mindoir, Akuze, the Normandy SR1. They should have let her die as well, it would have saved more lives. The bottle came to her lips again for another long drink.

It hung her finger tips as she staggered to her feet, lazily dragging it with her as she wandered back toward her desk. A heavy weight had settled in her chest, one that made every breath she took laboured and painful. Not physically, which was what she found so strange. Sure, her hand hurt, her shoulder hurt, but she also just hurt in general. The rational side of her that was screaming that there was no reason for her to be feeling the way she did, that only weak worthless people would act the way she was and had been acting.

Daily she wavered between screaming at herself to 'snap out of it' and simply sitting back and letting it consume her. It would be easier to let this consume her, all she would have to do is lay there. It frustrated her as she realized how easy it would be, after all the darkness was winning most days, it was why she had started to take the risks she had. Her own safety was of little concern, which she knew should scare her but it did not. Somewhere along the way she had become so use to that feeling that it no longer scared her. She would die for those under her command, take their place if she could, but she did not know how to live for herself.

Pulling out her pistol she cradled it in her hands. Staring at it for a moment she thought of all that she had done with it, both good and bad. Weighing the lives saved and those who had been lost at her hands. She should be dead, but she wasn't. Was it worth it? Could it all be justified? Her gaze floated up to the fish tank, it was so empty. There was no reason for it, no purpose served by a large tank of water. A waste of space and resources. She couldn't even keep fish alive, how the hell did they expect her to keep her crew alive through a suicide mission?

Standing, she manoeuvred herself in front of the fish tank she raised her hand levelled the gun at the glass. Pulling the trigger the first shot did nothing, not really that surprising. It seemed rather unsound to put a fish tank on a ship that wasn't at least somewhat built to withstand some combat. So she pulled the trigger again, and again, growing more and more frustrated as each bullet failed to produce the desired result. Two shots left. She cried out when it once more did not shatter. Tears began to stream down her face. She just wanted it all stop. Her hand was shaking as she lowered the pistol. Looking down at it she turned it over a few times before it rose again to press it against her temple.

She took in a shaky breath and prepared to pull the trigger.

Something firm hit her side, the air forced out of her lungs. Firm arms snaked around her pulling the gun away from her. Her first instinct was to struggle and so she began to fight against the firm arms which had wrapped around her body and pulled her closer to his body. "Let me go, just let me go," the desperation in her own voice surprised the woman. The arms around her did not release their grip on her waist.

"No," warm breath danced across her ear as Thane spoke.

"Please," she continued to struggle, "please," her voice cracked, "please," it grew weaker as she started to realize that he wasn't going anywhere. She began to sink to the ground and he came down with her, lowering them both gently to the floor. His hands pulling her closer to his chest as he pressed his back against the wall under the fish tank. His hand sliding down her arm gently tugging the pistol free of her grasp. Slowly he started to rock her, side to side, a comforting swaying motion. She cried like a small child, it embarrassed her and when she tried to stop it only made things worse. Funny how that seemed to happen, the more one tried to stop crying the more one actually cried.

It was over an hour before either of them spoke again. "Why?" her voice broke the silence. He brushed his hand over her hair resting his chin on the top of her head.

"Should I not be the one asking that?" his voice calm, soothing even. The warmth of another body was nice for the moment it made her feel as though she had a real connection to someone. In the back of her mind she wanted to push away, but she was far more content to sit in the embrace of the man and know that, at least for the moment she didn't have to be strong, didn't have to hold herself up or together.

"I can't," her eyes closed tight, fingers curling around the fabric of his leather jacket, squeezing tightly. "I don't know why-" it wasn't an answer that she would have excepted from someone else, but it was the only one that she could give at the moment. "I should be dead," she said out loud what had been plaguing her (even if it was initially just at the back of her mind), for months now. "What's the point?" he did not answer an answer, "why save me?"

"The galaxy would be a much darker place without you." Once more they fell into silence. His lithe hand tangling in her red hair. A low hum started in his throat and reverberated through her as he hummed a quiet melody. It made her heart ache, it was a rather personal moment, one which she didn't feel like she deserve. Yet she dared not interrupt it for the soothing effect it had on her. She waited until a few seconds after he finished to say anything.

"What is wrong with me? There is no reason I should feel the way I do, I'm alive but-" she let the thought drop, pressing her fingers against the leather jacket. "I just feel like shit," there was probably a more eloquent way of putting that but that was the only way that it came out.

"My door has always been open for you, and continues to be," a reassuring thought if she wasn't so guarded and afraid.

"I don't know how to lean on people. I've tried before, but in the end," her words hung in the air, in the end everyone left, "I was sixteen when I lost my parents. I joined the Alliance hoping it would fill the gap left by their death, to find some sort of place in this forsaken galaxy, but then Akuze happened. My entire squad, dead. I remember their eyes more than anything, you know, how empty eyes look when someone is dead. What made me so special. I keep telling myself there was nothing more I could have done, just like there was nothing more I could have done to save any of them. Maybe there is something wrong with me, something that just pulls death near," a funny sentiment to be sharing with an assassin who probably knew death better than any. "I'm thirsty," an abrupt change of topic as her eyes fell on the bottle that was resting next to her desk.

His body tensed around her, "you do not need to quench your thirst with that," truth yes, but that did not make the desire burn within her any less. Nor did it change the thought in her head that was telling her she _needed _the alcohol. "Tell me about your fish tank," he changed topics, maybe hoping that she'd forget the alcohol, or maybe out of simple curiosity she was not sure. Though she couldn't see the empty tank directly she could see the dancing of the water on the wall across from where they sat.

"It's too empty. I tried to keep fish, but they kept dying. Dead like my family, like my comrades, like me," her brow furrowed as she remembered floating. "I can't help thinking that's what they all went through. I remember fighting for air, floating through space, everything so empty like the fish tank. Then nothing. No white light, no reunion. I suppose I was reborn, but things aren't suppose to come back from the dead, not like this," she could feel some weight being lifted from her as she began to speak of her concerns for the first time, but it was only replaced by the dread of what he would think of her, of the fact that he could very well dismiss her as crazy, and maybe for good reason. "There are times when I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know who or what I am anymore. I should be dead, but I'm not. Am I even human? They had to _rebuild_ me Thane, like a machine."

"You are hard on yourself Siha," he played with the soft tresses of her hair. "These faults you find in yourself I do not see," a familiar tightness wrapped itself around her chest, and it caused a strange pained noise to pass from her lips. A mix between a groan and a sob. "You do not feel like a machine to me, your worries are not those of any synthetic I've met. Your pain would be familiar to any who felt loss. We all deal with it differently, though it has been from my experience that we all shut out the world to some extent," he took in a deep breath, "I know I did it after Irikah's death," the pause before his wife's name did not go unnoticed. Time healed all wounds but it did not erase the scars it seemed. She knew this personally, after all, she was sitting there with him now as a result of such scars. "Rest," his words more of an order than a suggestion, "we will speak again in the morning."


	6. Chapter 6

an: The title of the fic and of the chapters come from Hidden Away by Josh Groban. If you have the chance, please drop a review that would be awesome!

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**Chapter 6 - Will You Watch For Me?**

_It was dark and she was falling. Arms reached up trying to grasp at something, anything, but she found nothing. She screamed. _

Her eyes fluttered opened, finding herself staring at the empty water of her fish tank. She hated that stupid fish tank. Pushing herself out of bed she fumbled toward her desk, looking for the bottle that she knew she had left on the ground. Not finding it she opened up the drawers of her desk, trying to remember where she had put it but was finding herself unable. "I dumped them all out," a solemn voice caught her off guard. Her body tensed, "Garrus brought us some food," Thane's voice coming from the other side of the display case. How had she totally missed him sitting there? Had he been there the whole time.

"All of it?" while that shouldn't have been her first question it was the one that emptied from her mouth. It did not go unnoticed by her that he did not answer the question.

"Come, sit," she moved slowly down the steps once more, cautiously taking a place on the couch staring at the warm meal. She forgot that there was real food on board, rations had been her meal of choice for a while now that the sight of an actual meal was surprisingly refreshing. Yet she could not bring herself to pick up the fork.

"I'm not hungry," she mumbled, finding that while the food smelled delicious she had no desire to eat any of it.

"You will eat something," again, it sounded like an order and out of sheer defiance she crossed her arms across her chest and leaned back. It felt like a childish response even as she did it. "I will not let you drink yourself into oblivion, or put a bullet in your head, and I certainly am not going to let you starve yourself, now eat" his tone softened, "don't make me feed you."

"You wouldn't," a twinge of uncertainty hinged in her voice. Her grey eyes watched his hands with confusion as he leaned forward, his leather suit creaking at the movement, and began to cut the pork chop into small pieces. "Why?"

"All life requires sustenance," he stabbed one of the pieces of pork with a fork and held it up for her.

"No, I mean...why are you doing this?" he did not retreat as she asked the question.

"For many reasons, and if you eat maybe I would be willing to tell you," she furrowed her brow, he was bribing her the way a parent might bribe a child to eat all their vegetables, and the worst part was her curiosity strong enough that she reached forward and plucked the fork from his grasp, gently brushing her finger tips across his hand in the process, and brought the pork morsel to her lips.

"I joined you on this mission because I believed that it would be a way to leave the galaxy a better place than I found it in. I thought that perhaps it would be a final way to atone for the sins of my past. Over time I became amazed at your strength, your resourcefulness, the pull you have with those around you. I came to respect and trust you, and for the first time in many years I realized that I did not have to be alone. Your visits to Life Support were welcome, and with your encouragement I found friendship with others that have come to call this ship home, if only for a brief time. You have enabled many, including myself, to find peace with their past and yet you have asked nothing in return," he paused only to watch that she was still eating and not simply pushing the food around on the plate. Luckily she was finding herself hungrier than expected and the food was disappearing quickly from her plate.

"Your strength and resolve was admirable, but there was something else as well. The quiet moments, when you thought no one was watching, the sadness in your eyes and the weariness in your limbs. Unlike myself, you did not rescind who you were for who you had to be, and it clearly wears on you. Yet, you never lean on anyone. I wondered why. It is not as though you are alone, there are many people who care for you. It is one of your gifts, you draw people to you, give them so much, but never want anything in return. That isn't to say that there is no one on this ship who wouldn't do anything for you. It is not that you were not observant, but you seemed afraid.

When you spoke about the man, I thought perhaps it was he who betrayed you so deeply that you could not see those around you. Yet, I have come to see that he was just one piece in a larger and more complex puzzle. You hid it well for a long time, but everyone needs an outlet at some point. You turned away from people to danger and drinking. The woman I met on Illium became lost in the shadow of a weight that she should not have to bear at all, and certainly not alone. "

Setting her fork down as she finished the meal that had been set before her she rested her arms on her knees and leaned forward. Turning her head to the side she noted that he was looking at her once more, his dark eyes holding her, "you are not alone," he asserted, "and while I offer my shoulder for you to lean on, I know at least half a dozen others who would gladly be here as well, should you rather have one of them," there was hesitation in his voice. Did he think that she would push him away now? Part of her wanted to be able to continue the charade of being okay, but he had seen far too much for that to be a likely solution.

"I-" she found her throat tighten at the thought of expressing her own desire, "I don't want you to go," her body tensed at the realization. It wasn't that she didn't trust anyone else, but part of her (perhaps it was her pride), wished to keep this close to her chest (so to speak) letting in only as many as necessary.

"I am not going anywhere, Siha," he leaned forward and rested his hand on her arm. She curled up next to him, resting her head just beside him on the couch.

"You've never told me what that means,"

"Someday I will, when you are ready," a smile played on his lips.

"What now?" she wanted someone else to make a decision for once.

"We will take it a day at a time, and when it gets too much you will tell me," he brushed his fingers over her cheek moving strands of her hair out of the way. "I had your guns moved to the armoury with everyone else," that thought didn't appeal to her, though she understood why. Part of her still considered pulling the trigger to be the best option. "We will be docking on the Citadel for a few days. I think you should get some fish for the tank."

"They will just die," and it would be her fault.

"I will make sure they do not." True to his word he stayed with her and while they spent a great deal of the time in silence every now and again it was broken by one of them. Anika, when the silence became too much, and Thane when she slipped off into her mind letting the negative thoughts take over so easily. She was always surprised by the concern in his voice, and the gentle touch of his hands upon her arm or her face softly bringing her back to the present. "You are worrying," he touched her forehead with one of his fingers, smoothing out the skin between her eyes, "your forehead gets all wrinkly when you are worried."

"Not worried, just thinking," it would be so easy to leave it at that and yet the serious expression that Thane wore made her keep talking, "okay, worrying a bit," his hand drew away and she ran her hand through her hair. Her eyes closed for a moment opening slowly to see his head cocked to the side, a questioning expression on his features. "I just hope to feel like myself again soon," she was so tired of feeling like the this immense and oppressive sadness sat on chest and gripped at her throat and her mind.

"You never ceased to be who you are in here," he rested his hand on her chest, above her heart. Letting out a small breath she rested her hand over his, "let me in, and I will guide you back," a smile played on his lips, small and welcoming.

"What of the mission?" so much was depending on her ability to function properly and she could barely think beyond the next five minutes let alone to what would be coming in the next few weeks or months.

"One day at a time, we first must get through today," he wrapped an arm around her and drew her near to his chest.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 - Please, Don't Keep Your Heart Hidden Away**

The days turned into weeks and slowly the woman was starting to feel normal. Normal enough that she didn't feel like she always had to hole herself up in her cabin. She visited her crew again, taking time out for each of them as she had done before. It was a shame that she spent a great deal of the first few visits trying to apologize for her unprofessional behaviour, and it was rather unnerving how forgiving many of them were with her. She still didn't think she deserved it, but at the end of the day the often silent but stead presence of Thane in her quarters gave her the strength to do it all again.

Chakwas had been rather determined to get the commander on medication, promising that it would help. The woman was resistant and still had yet to take the first dose. Fear was the primary reason she continued to refuse. The last thing that she wanted to be was crazy, another one of those broken soldiers who were only half as good as they use to be. Today had been another rather rough day and part of her was afraid that she would slip back and all the progress that had been made would be lost again. Depression. It was the official word that Chakwas had used the day after Thane had stopped the commander from taking her own life. 'Survivors guilt' and 'stress' were words also thrown around. Labels didn't make it any easier.

Today she had accompanied Grunt (along with Thane), on a Krogan rite of passage. The young Krogan had been so eager, and it had made Anika genuinely happy to see the excitement on his face. The Thresher Maw had stripped the happiness from her. Such a massive creature bearing down on her. She had been sure it was going to be like Akuze, and that she was going to lose them both, but they had survived.

She had been pacing in her cabin for awhile, holding the bottle of pills in her hand. Thane was leaning against the full fish tank. True to his word he had been feeding the colourful creatures and she actually found it more relaxing than the empty water. "Where has your mind gone now Siha?" the question hung in the air for a moment before she finally stopped her pacing and glanced in his direction.

"Akuze," she spoke softly, "but also to tomorrow," she let out a heavy sigh, "I am trying, as several people have suggested to keep looking to the future, but that seems to only fill me with dread. The immediate future holds another errand mission, and soon an encounter with the Collectors. I still fear that I am taking everyone to their death, even if we survive I can only see more fighting, more death" she let out a weary sigh.

"You need to find something to live for," he pushed off the wall and closed the distance between them. Reaching out he picked up the hand that was holding the pills.

"Said the dying man to the woman who would gladly take his place," she whispered and felt his grip tighten around her hand. She forced her eyes to his face, finding his features incredibly close to her own.

"I may be dying, but I have not stopped living. You may not be dying but you are not living either," he cupped her cheek with his hand.

"What would you suggest?" there was a hint of anger in her voice as she pulled away. He was speaking the truth and it was pissing her off because she didn't want it to hit home as much as it had.

"What do you want," he said as his arms fell silently to his side.

"I don't know, I haven't wanted anything in a long time, I cannot afford the luxury." she crossed her arms over her chest looking defiant for a brief moment before she looked away. Sacrifices had to be made, she had to put aside her own wants. His fingers ghosted across her cheek, before coming to rest under her chin gently coaxing her gaze up to his once more.

"What do you _want_," he repeated, as though he knew the answer already despite the redhead having no idea where to even begin. When she really thought about it there was many things she _wanted_. A new bottle of whiskey for one, a proper funeral and burial for her parents, the proof that everything she was doing and sacrificing was actually for something not just another pawn in a long and drawn out game, being in the arms of someone who loved her perhaps even of the man before her now. All perfectly selfish things, all things that she couldn't or wouldn't say out loud.

His thumb brushed across her lower lip. "You have given me a reason to live again," leaning forward he pressed his lips on her forehead. With a quick intake of breath at the unexpected touch she closed her eyes. "Let me help you find yours."

"Why? So I can watch you die as well?" the painful truth of the reality of the situation caused the tightness in her throat to return.

"There is still time, and perhaps I could reconsider my resistance to some of the more drastic treatments if I knew that my Siha would fight for her life as I would fight mine," he smiled.

"You want me to fight for you?"

"No, I want you to want to fight for you."

"I need a coffee," she pulled away running her hand through her hair, "so much work to be done," he bowed his head and retreated in search of the hot black beverage she seemed to live off of many mornings. He returned with a mug of hot black coffee not ten minutes later only to find her sleeping, a soft smile crossed his feature. Setting the mug down on her table he took a seat on the couch, folding his hands together, he bowed his head and waited for her to rise again.

_She was falling again. Hands reached up hoping to get a hold of anything but once again there was nothing to be found. She was in space again and she couldn't breathe, couldn't scream, could only wait for her body to shut down._

_Siha_

_A voice was calling her, a voice that she knew. Help, why won't it help her? _

Waking with a start she felt firm arms around her waist to the point of it being almost painful. As she started to struggle she noticed that she could see the ground and realized that she had almost fell out of bed, yet again. Dragged back onto the bed she found herself wet from sweat and yet cold at the same time. The covers had apparently been disregarded in her dreamed struggle.

Her body shuddered at the sudden chill in the air. The sheet was pulled over her once more and she felt a warm body press into her. "What do you dream about when you struggle that hard?" he voice was barely a whisper. She did not answer at first, opting instead to roll over and nestle her face into his chest inhaling the comforting scent of the man whom she had grown closer to than she had expected when they had first met.

When she finally chose to speak her voice was quiet, "same dream as always, falling, it's always cold and dark, except for the times when I can see the old Normandy burn," He had seen her at her weakest and most vulnerable and instead of turning away from her, or passing her off to someone else, he had been the one that had stayed. "It isn't important," his fingers played at the muscles in her back, pressing tenderly and massaging clenched muscles in gentle circles in an attempt to make them and her relax.

"I somehow doubt that," a serious expression on his features as he sat up, resting a hand on her arm, rubbing gently. "You are always so tense," he mused, "even when you should be relaxed," she chuckled and sat up, letting her feet dangle over the side on the ground. Her back turned to him, he adjusted his hand to rest on her back. Resting her head in her hands she rubbed them over her face a few times. She could see the light in the darkness that had consumed her so completely. It would take time and perhaps she'd never be completely normal again, but she did not have to face it alone. At least, not for awhile. What would she do when he was gone?

"Commander, we have arrived at our destination," EDI announced from the station by the door.

"Time to suit up," reluctantly she pushed herself from the bed. "Thane," her voice was quiet as she picked out her standard outfit to be worn under heavy armour, "what are we exactly?" It wasn't that she wanted to label, but she did want guidelines.

She felt his presence behind her as she pulled her armour out of it's storage unit. "I do not know," there was a hesitations in his voice. His arms snaked around her waist and she leaned back into him. "I do know that I will follow you into the darkness, I will offer you a way out, my arm is yours, and-" his warm breath danced across her neck, "my heart is as well."

* * *

AN: as always the title of this fic and the chapter are lyrics from a Josh Groban song. This is, as far as I'm concerned, the end of this little story. As I mentioned all the way back at the beginning I wrote this almost a year ago and hesitated to publish it because I was not completely satisfied with the ending, but I also had no idea where else to take it. Since then I re-read it, several times, and changed and added things. I opted to publish it as a little short (ish) story, a glimpse into the the world of Shepard. I may, in the future, explore the dear depressed and alcoholic Shepard, but that will likely be done in another unrelated entry. If you have the time to review I'd appreciate it. Thank you all for taking the time to read my fanfic!


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